Somehow March flew by with nary a peep from me (with the exception of the February Book Review). Every time I sat down I felt like I had nothing to say or my thoughts weren’t interesting enough to share… so I stopped sitting down and a month goes by. I seem to have this paralyzing fear of putting my inner thoughts into words, and sentences and paragraphs for other people to see. Perhaps it’s because I’m so used to keeping everything to myself. If I don’t speak or express my opinions, I won’t get made fun of or judged. I despise attention and prefer to be in the background or working behind the scenes. K and I actually got in a fight because he didn’t understand my intense desire to NOT be dropped off in front of the out-of-town gym where everyone could see the new girl. I just felt so ridiculously awkward.
I’ve learned this is a pretty lonely place to be. Other people tend to forget about you if you’re always in the background, or worse – they judge you anyway and you come out looking like a snobby bitch for being too quiet (because that’s happened plenty of times). As I’ve gotten older, instead of improving on this, I’m actually regressing and becoming more of a recluse. I’ve had some stingy situations in the past that make me not want to put myself out there.
Anyway this post is a tiny step in working on myself and talking more about what’s really going on with me. It’s going to be a loooooooong process, but I’m committed to taking a step into the light and stop hiding in the background. I’ve talked a lot about my goals surrounding my friendships and figuring out how to be a better person towards myself is a necessary step to building those relationships around me.
Wish me luck! I’ll have my March book reviews up later this week – there were a couple good ones to recommend and some not good ones to avoid.